


Better Off Dead

by literally_no_idea



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Abuse, Abusive Parents, Child Abuse, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, Electrocution, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Gen, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Howard Stark's Bad Parenting, Hurt Tony Stark, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Psychological Torture, Tony Stark Feels, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Torture, Verbal Abuse, Waterboarding
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-23
Updated: 2019-02-23
Packaged: 2019-11-04 03:44:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17890868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/literally_no_idea/pseuds/literally_no_idea
Summary: title from the Sleeping With Sirens song of the same name.basically just Howard torturing Tony as an adult (thanks time travel) and Tony's thoughts throughout itplease mind the tags. be safe





	Better Off Dead

**Author's Note:**

> I really don't know what to tell you. You clicked on this. I'm warning you to read with caution. I don't know.

Tony can’t escape. He’s already tried, at least seven times, but he can’t. He can’t seem to find a way out. He should have known, really. His dad really was better than him. Always had been, always will be. So having his dad show up from the past somehow, kidnap him, and torture him shouldn’t have been a surprise, really. But it was, and Tony’s exhausted, and he doesn’t know what to do, damn it.

 

Howard knows all the best ways to hurt Tony; subtle words here and there, a quick touch occasionally, and silence. Always the silence. Tony hates silence. It always feels like pain, anxiety, waiting for the other shoe to drop, waiting for the next time he’s going to be made fun of, waiting for the laughter, the scorn from his father.

 

Howard’s starting to get creative, too. He used to just use emotional and verbal abuse, and that was enough to keep Tony in check, but Tony’s grown since then, gotten stronger and dealt with more and more people who treat him like shit, and while it’s so much worse coming from his dad, the man who had started all of the abuse, it doesn’t hurt quite as bad as it used to. So Howard has to adapt.

 

The first time Howard waterboards him, Tony ends up passing out. he wakes up still chained to the floor, hands and feet chained to an anchor point on the ground, forcing Tony to stay curled up in a ball. He wishes it were a comforting pose like it used to be when he was a child and curled in on himself at night in bed, but now it just makes him feel small, vulnerable.

 

Then Howard starts using a cattle prod to electrocute Tony through the arc reactor, and Tony can’t breathe, it’s too much, he’s going to die here, his father is going to kill him and leave his corpse here to rot--

 

And then Howard stops using the prod, stops waterboarding him, and goes back to the soft touches, the subtle comments, and it hurts even more, because Tony’s already so damn vulnerable, he hasn’t had food in probably days, and Howard just forces him to drink water to keep him alive, and Tony’s weak and tired and he just can’t take it anymore, he doesn’t want to, he can’t.

 

His head rings with laughter and Howard’s words, always on a loop. “A failure.” “Can’t do anything right.” “Never worth it.” “Wasting your mother’s time.” “Selfish.” “Ungrateful.” “Useless.” “Needy.” “Pathetic.”

 

He can feel Howard’s hand patting his foot like it’s supposed to comfort him somehow, see the grimace of a smile Howard always has when he looks at Tony, and he’s so tired, damn it, he can’t do this, he thought this was over, he’s tired, he’s scared, he wants to go home, he wants Rhodey, and Pepper, and, and anyone else, but. Maybe he doesn’t deserve them. And maybe they would think he’s pathetic too.

 

Maybe he’s better off here. At least he knows where he stands here. He knows that everything he does here will be wrong. He won’t have to second guess himself, because he’ll always fail. And that is kind of comforting. Because with other people, with Rhodey and Pepper, sometimes he does the right thing and sometimes he doesn’t. And he always worries about whether or not they’ll stay, whether or not they love him back, and it’s terrifying, not knowing if the people you love will stay. So maybe this is better. This is where he belongs.

 

The door opens, and Tony flinches despite himself, waits for the inevitable laughter. There isn’t any. Just a soft “oh, Tony,” and then there’s a gentle hand on his face and Tony’s flinching, because no, stop, touch is bad, touch isn’t good, don’t don’t don’t-- but the hand feels different from Howard’s, and when he looks up, it’s Rhodey, and that’s-- that’s good. That’s supposed to be good. But what if he isn’t good enough? What if he fails Rhodey? What if he makes Rhodey leave? What if he fucks up?

 

Tony pulls away, shaking his head. “No, no, don’t want to go, stay, need to stay, should stay, let me stay, please, please,” he repeats, and Rhodey looks scared, concerned, and good, maybe he’ll leave, Tony won’t fuck up, won’t make him leave, can just stop it now, fix it now, just--

 

“Tony, I’m not leaving without you.” And no, please, go away, Tony just wants to stay. If he can stay, he can die alone, in misery, like he deserves, like he needs to. He can’t keep fighting. He can’t keep trying. He’s tired. He can’t do this. He just wants to stay. Stay and then go. Go for good.

 

Rhodey sounds choked up, almost too emotional to speak. “Damn it, Tones, come on, work with me here, we’ve got to get you up, get you out of here. I love you. Damn it, I love you, Pepper’s worried sick, you need to get up, you need to come with us, you need to come home.”

 

Tony can’t-- he doesn’t know what to do. Rhodey wants him home. Pepper wants him home. But what if he hurts them again? But he’s hurting them by staying. He can’t-- he can’t win, he can’t succeed, no matter what he’s going to fail, and now this makes sense, but he can’t, he doesn’t know what to do, he doesn’t want to decide this, he just wants to sleep, and sleep forever, and no, please, don’t make him choose--

 

Tony’s crying, sobbing and shaking so hard that the chains keeping him bolted down are rattling, and Rhodey’s holding him, body wrapped around Tony’s as best as possible, and Tony can’t do this, he can’t he can’t-- “Rhodey, no, can’t, don’t, can’t,” he babbles without processing the words, and Rhodey keeps holding him, and then there’s someone else in the room, and Tony flinches because it’s probably Howard, but it’s not, it’s Steve, and that’s still not much better, because Steve doesn’t like him, Steve hates him, and--

 

“Please, please, please,” Tony begs, and he’s not sure what he’s begging for but Steve comes closer, and no, please, don’t hurt me, don’t be mad, don’t-- “No! No, please! Don’t, not, please, no, don’t, don’t, can’t.”

 

“Shh, you’re okay. We need to get you home. I’m so glad you’re alive, Tony. We need to get you safe, okay? Come on, Tony, please,” Steve says, and he looks concerned, and Tony’s so confused that he’s silent as Steve uses the shield to break the chains, and then Steve and Rhodey are picking him up, and they’re carrying him to the ship, and Tony’s scared, and he doesn’t know what to do, but then they’re going, and Tony’s surrounded by people that usually expect him to be at his best, be perfect, and it’s too much, it’s too much, and Tony’s collapsing, curling in on himself and sobbing on the floor at Rhodey and Steve’s feet, burying his face in his own shirt, dirty and worn out and gross from Tony having been in it for probably weeks.

 

And when Tony wakes up in a hospital bed in the tower with Pepper sitting by his bed, holding his hand and talking to him as soon as she realizes he’s awake, telling him that she loves him, she’s glad he’s okay, she’s missed him, how is he feeling? And Tony doesn’t know how to answer, he’s overwhelmed by all the nice things she’s saying, and then he’s sobbing again, curling his body around where Pepper is holding his hand still, and she’s running her other hand through his hand gently, murmuring all kinds of nice things.

**Author's Note:**

> So at this point? Basically all I have to say for myself is that my abuser(s?) are making my weekend miserable and I literally have not been this bad for like 2 years now and I'm fucking losing it at this point. I'm going to fucking lose it. So this story is just me. Trying to cope. I guess. I don't know I'm scared and hurt and in pain I'm not exactly coherent?
> 
> Anyway uh. Hope you enjoyed? I don't know?


End file.
